Third Week of August

I made it back to work! I’m not sure how I’m performing as a pregnant lady. On a scale of 1-10, I would rate myself about a 2. I have been emotional, irritable, and sick. I haven’t put on make-up in about a month (except for mascara to avoid looking like a corpse). Everything feels like it is getting bigger. If you look at my chest, it hurts. I pee so much, it’s constant. I am bloated beyond belief. I start the day normal, but by the end of the day I look way more pregnant than I am. How do you know if it’s bloat or if it’s a baby bump? I’m ready to trade my bloat in for a bump. Or does the bloat take up residence and stay the whole time?

Despite everything, I am falling in love with the little blueberry sized baby inside of me. I pray that I can take good care of it. I am so excited but so scared of losing it. I want to make it to 12 weeks so badly, then I will allow myself some breathing room. This first trimester has been scary as all get out. My anxiety hasn’t helped. I need to make it two more weeks.

My first ob-gyn appointment was more informational than diagnostic. They confirmed my pregnancy again and took a ton of blood. Then the nurse practitioner asked me a bunch of questions. The medical assistant provided a bag with two pregnancy magazines and informational pamphlets. This is getting real.

I go back again August 31st and I am so excited! Well, excited and nervous. Nervously anxious has been my default setting here lately. But why am I excited?! It’s the first ultrasound where we should be able to see the baby and hear the heartbeat!! I can’t wait to see what’s been growing inside of me. I want to protect it so much but feel like it’s completely out of my control. I do everything I can that is within my control. I take my pre-natal daily. I try to eat healthy (despite my HUGE craving for biscuits and gravy). I attempt to be as active as I can. I used to try to get 10,000 steps in per day…now I am happy with 5,000. When I was sick there were days I didn’t even reach 100. I am almost positive each of those 100 steps were bathroom trips.

I miss working out, but don’t want to do any damage. I’ve barely felt like lifting my finger much less a weight. I’m putting faith in the second trimester being better. Oh yeah, and people said there was a pregnancy “glow”? Where is it? When is that gift bestowed? Because right now I look wrecked. I have acne around my chin and neck. Yes, my neck. I know, it’s weird. Sometimes it’s more like a crater than an acne spot. I had clear skin before and now it’s blotchy and uneven. I have underestimated the power of hormones.

Besides my craving for biscuits and gravy, I have had more food aversions than cravings. I can’t even think about eggs without gagging, and I used to eat them often for breakfast. Sometimes the thought of food in general makes me want to throw up. But don’t worry! Despite my lack of appetite I have gained weight anyway. This bums me out psychologically (I discuss this more in my video update). It’s only a few pounds and I understand it’s from all the extra fluid I have going on right now. But between feeling bloated 24/7 and my jacked up skin, I almost don’t recognize myself. Mentally or physically.

It seems like the same people who encouraged you to get pregnant, are now the people who are dishing out truth. “You feel sick? Honey, let me tell you, I was a disaster my first trimester. It was awful!” They say it with a smile, almost a laugh. Not that they are laughing at my suffering, but because they’ve earned that chuckle. I want to be in their shoes one day.

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